It 4am and I can’t sleep. Nowhere near it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading Keith Richard’s book and he’s always banging on about how he does sleep cos there are more interesting things to do. Maybe it’s because I had a massage late-ish last night and that energised my body. But most likely it’s because I’m wound up tighter than one of Keith’s guitar strings. What I’m actually doing is this. I’m writing this because if I don’t I’m in danger of writing an “I quit” letter to work. Basically I’ve been stitched up good and proper and, as Peter Finch said in Network, I’m mad as hell and won’t take it anymore. The new workloads have been given out and I’ve got far more than anyone else. I’ve been given a whole new year long module to do by myself. No one else has been given anything like that. I know I’ve been given that because a) they think “Jed’s nice, we can” and b) I get no support from the course leader. (Simon got half a one-semester module; Rob got nothing - extra tutorial time but has lost a semester one module). I’ve written to Marc Keech a number of times about it and he’s not having any of it. “I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s the way it is”. If I want to do anything I have to make an official complaint. What a way to start the year. Really, I’ve just had enough. I know you feel the grief from college, but I’ve just had enough.
It’s curious because the day started so nicely. Lovely Annie the astrology woman came to see me and apparently all’s sunny in the garden. There was loads of stuff about Pluto being in my sun – a good thing – but in short, it’s all good. A year of change of transformation. Saturn is well aspected – there’s are no real difficulties. Mars is in Taurus – Mars is about energy, Taurus is about the land. Wonder what that could refer to. Jupiter is also in Taurus – new opportunities, new growth. Apparently I’ve got a “Grand Trine” (think that’s how you spell it) which means I’m “lovely and fiery”. Moon is in Aries, Venus is in Leo, Saturn is in Sagittarius.
I’ve got words written down like very creative, exuberant, inspirational, feel very comfortable with women, core stability I can’t do standing still, I can’t plateau out. I’m very open minded, open to new things. But Peak Time is coming up. Jupiter is also in Taurus which means new opportunities, new growth. Two important years are coming up. By this time in two years time – Sept 2013 – things will look very different. We’ve got to think big, set high targets. The last word I’ve got written down is ‘flourishing’.
Seems such a contrast to how I feel. Actually I feel very odd, like I’m speeding or something. No idea. No doubt they’ll say “Ah, that’s the effects of the detox. It’s all the toxins leaving your body”. But then again, if it’s raining they say that. And if it’s sunny they say that.
“I’m going to the shops”
“Ah, that’s the effects of the detox. It’s all the toxins leaving your body”.
What else? It’s been an interesting week in an uninteresting way. I’ve not been hugely purposeful, not been doing anything. Not writing or working or anything (for which I miss no opportunity to berate myself). The first few days I felt rubbish. Really bad headaches – coffee withdrawal, apparently. Then there were a couple of days where I literally had no energy. Not surprising I guess. No fuel in the tank. Different people here have reacted in different ways at different times. But everyone seems to have gone through the down cycle, not everyone has had the up. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the place is full of people right now pacing up and down their kitchens.
On the (really) positive side, Poppy has been an angel. Captivated everyone. She just hangs around kinda like she does in the garden, waiting for someone to come along. Shows them her bally, hangs around a bit more. Very sweet. Someone comes along, she rolls on her back, still wagging her tail. Never wanders off, just hangs around. Never have to worry where she is or what she’s doing.
But it’s been too long. Miss you all too much. Love you all very much.
Anyway, I’m off to see Keith now. XXXXX
Sunday, 23 October 2011
LETTER TO ELLIE 7.10.11
You’ll hate me for saying this, but’s entirely natural for people in their mid-teens to be confused, to be in a bit of turmoil. You are starting to experience adult things but you’re probably still responding like a non-adult.
There are all sorts of pressures on you that I remember – growing up, sexuality, independence, changing friendships (cos you’re all changing at different rates). On top of that there are pressures that I didn’t have. Peolpe are talking to you about the future, about grades, about university. I did my A levels cos I fancied doing them. At your age I didn’t know to spell university. But you’ve started looking round them. You’ve got a CV, people talk to you about the future, about “gap years”. I had – people of my age – had none of that. Gap Years? When I was 16? No one I knew did any of that. It simply wasn’t on the agenda.
The world was a very different place then. There was an innocence to our lives that you don’t have – and I’m not talking about puffing a bit of this or that on the Downs. Of course, people have always done that – though in fairness I never asked my parents to buy me some white wine. Bless them, they probably wouldn’t have known where to buy it.
In short, I’m saying that I know it’s not easy.
I can’t believe the way we are makes you happy. I know it doesn’t make me happy.
Watching those videos the other night was an interesting experience. Everyone was so different and the way we were with each other was so different. I really don’t mean that in the sense of just me and you. Everyone was different. Yes, we were all younger and yes, we had different strains and stresses, but it just seems to me that there’s a lot about those old days that was good, and a lot that we’ve lost. For me anyway, it would be nice to try and get some of that back.
It seems to me that communication between us is at a bit of a low. We’re not really talking very well. It would have been nice to have had a chat around the dinner table last night about those videos etc but that didn’t happen. You flew into a rage, saying that you had exams in January and etc etc and that you could sit and talk to us and didn’t we understand how stressed you were by your exams and and and…And then you went into the lounge to watch and 450 year old episode of Friends.
It seems to me that you just didn’t want to be there. And when you are there, there’s little trust or warmth.
Somewhere along the line – somewhere between then and now – you completely closed down. You closed down to us. I don’t know what happened. I’m not even sure when it happened.
Maybe it happened when you sorted yourself around about Year 8/9. You changed quite a bit during those years, became a different person. Maybe it happened when we moved out of Brighton and into the countryside. Maybe your anger at that move grew from something small and resentful to some big and very resentful. Maybe it changed when you changed the spelling of your name. (I’m serious – different names have different personalities).
I don’t expect you to be as free and open now as you were as a seven year old (though God knows for a seven year old you were very closed). I don’t want to know about your life in detail and I don’t want to know what you get up to at the various places you go. I don’t want to be ‘mates’ or be some sort of ‘cool dad’ or anything like that. But it would be nice to have some dialogue, to have some conversation.
What do I mean? Once upon a time you sang songs that came from you. Once upon a time you danced in the kitchen. Now you freak out if you think that I’ve sneaked a glimpse of a photo of you out. Now you wouldn’t even show us a photo from your Prom. You want to keep us out of your life to an almost pathological degree.
Really, it seems to me that the only times that you speak to me is to ask for a lift or ask for money. If we don’t sort out this relationship of ours, it will only get worse and there’ll be a day – one day in the future – when we look back with regret. But by then it will be too late. Trust me – I’m speaking from experience here.
Sometimes I think that the way you are is some kind of celestial revenge for the way I was to my mother. But what I do know is that I’ve got to deal with it better than she did. And so far, I’m not really doing well.
I don’t know why you are so… distrustful of your parents, why you are so intent on wanting to keep us out. I can’t think that we’ve ever really embarrassed you in public or let you down. I can’t think that we’re that disappointing.
Let’s take a really obvious example. Let’s look at the space outside your room.
The space outside your room is a statement. Clearly it’s a form of communication. Mum and I have constantly banged on about “tidy your room” and all that and your response? The space outside your room. Interestingly, the mess is not in your room, but in the hall where we can see it, where we have to look at it every day.
Possible it’s a statement that says “I hate it here. This isn’t my place and it means nothing to me” – but possibly it’s something more.
I was talking to mum this morning and, like someone who’s just started studying philosophy, she said that you had things that you wanted to talk about but either didn’t know how to or couldn’t find a way to.
Let’s try a few things:
1) Let’s have a ban on swearing. It’s not good for anyone. I know I’m guilty and I hereby promise to stop. And I want you to stop, too. We’ve got to try to find a way of being kinder to each other, and I think that this might be a start.
2) Time management. Because of where we live, because of the transportation issues that arise from where we live, we need to be really organised with our time management.
3) Your time management is up to you to manage. Really – you’re old enough now and you should be on top of this. Planning is everything.
4) As far as I understand it, you need to be in early every day except Tuesday. I will take you into Lewes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday will probably be a lift just to Ringmer. (I’ll have to clear this with mum, but I think that will work).
5) Getting to work on Friday will always be a problem as mum and I both work all day. You will either have to come straight back after college or arrange to get to work a bit later. (I’m sure Tess won’t mind as long as she knows beforehand). You’ll have to work it out though because this will be the case every Friday.
6) I will give you a print-out of my calendar so you can see – as best as I know – what I’m up to so you can think about lifts etc.
Anyway – enough. Got work to do. Let’s move on, move forward – and try to remember that we’re all on the same side.
There are all sorts of pressures on you that I remember – growing up, sexuality, independence, changing friendships (cos you’re all changing at different rates). On top of that there are pressures that I didn’t have. Peolpe are talking to you about the future, about grades, about university. I did my A levels cos I fancied doing them. At your age I didn’t know to spell university. But you’ve started looking round them. You’ve got a CV, people talk to you about the future, about “gap years”. I had – people of my age – had none of that. Gap Years? When I was 16? No one I knew did any of that. It simply wasn’t on the agenda.
The world was a very different place then. There was an innocence to our lives that you don’t have – and I’m not talking about puffing a bit of this or that on the Downs. Of course, people have always done that – though in fairness I never asked my parents to buy me some white wine. Bless them, they probably wouldn’t have known where to buy it.
In short, I’m saying that I know it’s not easy.
I can’t believe the way we are makes you happy. I know it doesn’t make me happy.
Watching those videos the other night was an interesting experience. Everyone was so different and the way we were with each other was so different. I really don’t mean that in the sense of just me and you. Everyone was different. Yes, we were all younger and yes, we had different strains and stresses, but it just seems to me that there’s a lot about those old days that was good, and a lot that we’ve lost. For me anyway, it would be nice to try and get some of that back.
It seems to me that communication between us is at a bit of a low. We’re not really talking very well. It would have been nice to have had a chat around the dinner table last night about those videos etc but that didn’t happen. You flew into a rage, saying that you had exams in January and etc etc and that you could sit and talk to us and didn’t we understand how stressed you were by your exams and and and…And then you went into the lounge to watch and 450 year old episode of Friends.
It seems to me that you just didn’t want to be there. And when you are there, there’s little trust or warmth.
Somewhere along the line – somewhere between then and now – you completely closed down. You closed down to us. I don’t know what happened. I’m not even sure when it happened.
Maybe it happened when you sorted yourself around about Year 8/9. You changed quite a bit during those years, became a different person. Maybe it happened when we moved out of Brighton and into the countryside. Maybe your anger at that move grew from something small and resentful to some big and very resentful. Maybe it changed when you changed the spelling of your name. (I’m serious – different names have different personalities).
I don’t expect you to be as free and open now as you were as a seven year old (though God knows for a seven year old you were very closed). I don’t want to know about your life in detail and I don’t want to know what you get up to at the various places you go. I don’t want to be ‘mates’ or be some sort of ‘cool dad’ or anything like that. But it would be nice to have some dialogue, to have some conversation.
What do I mean? Once upon a time you sang songs that came from you. Once upon a time you danced in the kitchen. Now you freak out if you think that I’ve sneaked a glimpse of a photo of you out. Now you wouldn’t even show us a photo from your Prom. You want to keep us out of your life to an almost pathological degree.
Really, it seems to me that the only times that you speak to me is to ask for a lift or ask for money. If we don’t sort out this relationship of ours, it will only get worse and there’ll be a day – one day in the future – when we look back with regret. But by then it will be too late. Trust me – I’m speaking from experience here.
Sometimes I think that the way you are is some kind of celestial revenge for the way I was to my mother. But what I do know is that I’ve got to deal with it better than she did. And so far, I’m not really doing well.
I don’t know why you are so… distrustful of your parents, why you are so intent on wanting to keep us out. I can’t think that we’ve ever really embarrassed you in public or let you down. I can’t think that we’re that disappointing.
Let’s take a really obvious example. Let’s look at the space outside your room.
The space outside your room is a statement. Clearly it’s a form of communication. Mum and I have constantly banged on about “tidy your room” and all that and your response? The space outside your room. Interestingly, the mess is not in your room, but in the hall where we can see it, where we have to look at it every day.
Possible it’s a statement that says “I hate it here. This isn’t my place and it means nothing to me” – but possibly it’s something more.
I was talking to mum this morning and, like someone who’s just started studying philosophy, she said that you had things that you wanted to talk about but either didn’t know how to or couldn’t find a way to.
Let’s try a few things:
1) Let’s have a ban on swearing. It’s not good for anyone. I know I’m guilty and I hereby promise to stop. And I want you to stop, too. We’ve got to try to find a way of being kinder to each other, and I think that this might be a start.
2) Time management. Because of where we live, because of the transportation issues that arise from where we live, we need to be really organised with our time management.
3) Your time management is up to you to manage. Really – you’re old enough now and you should be on top of this. Planning is everything.
4) As far as I understand it, you need to be in early every day except Tuesday. I will take you into Lewes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday will probably be a lift just to Ringmer. (I’ll have to clear this with mum, but I think that will work).
5) Getting to work on Friday will always be a problem as mum and I both work all day. You will either have to come straight back after college or arrange to get to work a bit later. (I’m sure Tess won’t mind as long as she knows beforehand). You’ll have to work it out though because this will be the case every Friday.
6) I will give you a print-out of my calendar so you can see – as best as I know – what I’m up to so you can think about lifts etc.
Anyway – enough. Got work to do. Let’s move on, move forward – and try to remember that we’re all on the same side.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
July 1
July 1 2011
It’s been a bit of a curious week. Ellie went off to Monaco having finished her GCSEs. I went to the airport with her – ah, don’t ever fall for the joys of Luton – and there was that moment where it really seemed as if she was finally gone, grown up and flown the nest. When she passed through the sign that said “Departures – Passengers Only” and up the stairs, it really felt as if she was now going to where her life was. Like the sign said that I’d taken her as far as I could – maybe as far as I should – and that from here on in, she was on her own.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Maybe it’s all just sentimental twaddle. She’s still 15. What was I doing at 15? Who knows? My curiously empty memory won’t tell me. I think I was simply young and dumb. I can’t imagine I was as wise as she is. I’m not sure I ever was.
She had a great time in Monaco – naturally.
Back for the prom
Anna Russian 15 still with us – halfway through her month stay
Laughton Lodge party – kinda reconciled all that now
Night of David Haye fight and Wimbledon still on. Can’t get that out of my head. What could I have been? So many wrong turns, so many missed opportunities, so many open goals. Yet still here I am with a life that, OK, isn’t what it might have been but is still pretty damn good.
Still feeling a bit stir crazy in the countryside. Will this abate when the house build really starts?
Lou re-building bridges at the Lodge. Stayed at Steffie’s on Friday and Sassie’s on Saturday. Good.
Getting on better with Gill, think she appreciates the fragility of this a bit more since our ‘troubles’
Two Spanish girls from Barcelona arrived on Sunday. That’s three students in the one house. Busy but lucrative. Teaching all day Monday. It’s only one day but still feel a little resentful. I’ve got a full-time job – and this isn’t the deal.
July 5
Picked up Ellie from Amy’s house – been to an all-night party and had that been up all night look. Sweet.
If anything I’m a bit envious of it all – the joy of it all. It’s not so much innocence cos I don’ t think there’s that much innocence involved but what I mean is the joy of doing new things for the first time. The thrill.
Naturally it makes me think back to the memory black hole that is my youth. What did I get up to? Who was I? Questions that still sound disingenuous but actually I really mean it.
Later today I’m off to London town with Lou to see Selena Gomez in HMV in Oxford Street. Such fun!
The best day. Lou and I went up to London, so exciting, so excited. Got to HMV and found that we had to have a wristband – had no idea. Lou was initially disappointed but stoic. I said not to worry and sweet-talked the head security guard into giving us a pass.
Queued outside for two hours, really exciting. Got in, waited inside the shop for about an hour. Such palpable electricity. I love being with Lou in this mood – it’s such a pure energy, such a pure emotion. And she’s always just so happy about it.
It’s been a bit of a curious week. Ellie went off to Monaco having finished her GCSEs. I went to the airport with her – ah, don’t ever fall for the joys of Luton – and there was that moment where it really seemed as if she was finally gone, grown up and flown the nest. When she passed through the sign that said “Departures – Passengers Only” and up the stairs, it really felt as if she was now going to where her life was. Like the sign said that I’d taken her as far as I could – maybe as far as I should – and that from here on in, she was on her own.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Maybe it’s all just sentimental twaddle. She’s still 15. What was I doing at 15? Who knows? My curiously empty memory won’t tell me. I think I was simply young and dumb. I can’t imagine I was as wise as she is. I’m not sure I ever was.
She had a great time in Monaco – naturally.
Back for the prom
Anna Russian 15 still with us – halfway through her month stay
Laughton Lodge party – kinda reconciled all that now
Night of David Haye fight and Wimbledon still on. Can’t get that out of my head. What could I have been? So many wrong turns, so many missed opportunities, so many open goals. Yet still here I am with a life that, OK, isn’t what it might have been but is still pretty damn good.
Still feeling a bit stir crazy in the countryside. Will this abate when the house build really starts?
Lou re-building bridges at the Lodge. Stayed at Steffie’s on Friday and Sassie’s on Saturday. Good.
Getting on better with Gill, think she appreciates the fragility of this a bit more since our ‘troubles’
Two Spanish girls from Barcelona arrived on Sunday. That’s three students in the one house. Busy but lucrative. Teaching all day Monday. It’s only one day but still feel a little resentful. I’ve got a full-time job – and this isn’t the deal.
July 5
Picked up Ellie from Amy’s house – been to an all-night party and had that been up all night look. Sweet.
If anything I’m a bit envious of it all – the joy of it all. It’s not so much innocence cos I don’ t think there’s that much innocence involved but what I mean is the joy of doing new things for the first time. The thrill.
Naturally it makes me think back to the memory black hole that is my youth. What did I get up to? Who was I? Questions that still sound disingenuous but actually I really mean it.
Later today I’m off to London town with Lou to see Selena Gomez in HMV in Oxford Street. Such fun!
The best day. Lou and I went up to London, so exciting, so excited. Got to HMV and found that we had to have a wristband – had no idea. Lou was initially disappointed but stoic. I said not to worry and sweet-talked the head security guard into giving us a pass.
Queued outside for two hours, really exciting. Got in, waited inside the shop for about an hour. Such palpable electricity. I love being with Lou in this mood – it’s such a pure energy, such a pure emotion. And she’s always just so happy about it.
Weds May 18
Wednesday May 18
Off to Sunderland for my first gig as an External Examiner. Got that huge “they’re going to find me out” feeling, and this time I think they’re really going to find me out. An external examiner? I’m barely an internal examiner. But I figure that in this game appearances are all and as long as I do a bit of reading and sound like I’m proper person, well what’s to go wrong? It’s interesting. There’s a bloke I know from this place who, the few times we’ve met, has given me the look that he knows. But I’m still not sure what exactly the look is. Is it “I know you’re a charlatan and I’m just waiting for you to blow your flimsy cover”? Or is it “Listen, I’m also a charlatan. Let’s just understand each other and move on.” No idea which of those it is. Gotta play safe and straight.
Retford. Where the bloody is Retford? Somewhere up north(ish). Fields and pylons and Monopoly board houses. Retford. By the time I consider it, it’s gone, replaced by somewhere else with fields and pylons and Monopoly board houses. Maybe it’s still Retford and I’m stuck in some timewarp. The train is hurtling forward, the trees are flying past the windows, the carriage is rumbling along as carriages do... and we’re not moving at all. We’re not moving at all, stuck in Retford in a bubble, trapped like a hamster on a four dimensional wheel, running and running and not moving anywhere. Either that or everywhere here looks the same.
Still very excited by the house story. Really, how many people get this opportunity? How many people get the chance to play Grand Designs? And it’s not that so much – it’s that we’re getting to do it without having to save up for years, without having had a “dream” that we’ve followed – finding the plot, saving, taking years and all that, it’s just fallen into our laps.
OK, it’s not that straightforward and I know that partly the reason that we’re in this position is bravery. I always say to the students at college that the most important thing for any of them to say is “Yes”. Any opportunity that comes along, say “Yes”. A chance, an option, a door... say “Yes”. As someone else once said, “I didn’t get where I am today but not saying Yes”. Gill and I both have that thing of saying Yes at the important time. If there’s a big decision to be made, we both say Yes and take it on. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it kicks you out the park.
Sometimes we end up with mad debts and sometimes we end up with mad opportunities. It cuts both ways, but it adds up to an interesting whole.
This is becoming problematic. I’ve got The Book Chapter to write, the WAP project to do and the MRes to start. Oh, and there’s the Dubai conference paper. And every time i think of a subject and start reading about it, i find that someone else has already done it.
I was going to do something on Beckham and celebrity – but that’s been done. This is actually a problem because I’ve already sold the idea to both Cambridge and to Dubai and I can’t get out of it for either. I did day that I’m going to do that for the WAP, but nothing is signed sealed or delivered so I can delay that. On the one hand it’s a mare, on the other hand... if I can think of a solution, I can do the same piece all over the place. Just a question of finding a solution.
For the MRes I was going to do a study of Cool, what it was, what it wasn’t, how we define it etc. But hey and ho, someone has already done it.
Beckham
PR
Survival
Acceptance
Royalty
Celebrity
Advertising
Branding
Privacy
Cool
Marketing
Icon
Symbol
Twitter
Super Injunctions
Accessible
The hero
Mystique
Am I any nearer? Am I hell.
Off to Sunderland for my first gig as an External Examiner. Got that huge “they’re going to find me out” feeling, and this time I think they’re really going to find me out. An external examiner? I’m barely an internal examiner. But I figure that in this game appearances are all and as long as I do a bit of reading and sound like I’m proper person, well what’s to go wrong? It’s interesting. There’s a bloke I know from this place who, the few times we’ve met, has given me the look that he knows. But I’m still not sure what exactly the look is. Is it “I know you’re a charlatan and I’m just waiting for you to blow your flimsy cover”? Or is it “Listen, I’m also a charlatan. Let’s just understand each other and move on.” No idea which of those it is. Gotta play safe and straight.
Retford. Where the bloody is Retford? Somewhere up north(ish). Fields and pylons and Monopoly board houses. Retford. By the time I consider it, it’s gone, replaced by somewhere else with fields and pylons and Monopoly board houses. Maybe it’s still Retford and I’m stuck in some timewarp. The train is hurtling forward, the trees are flying past the windows, the carriage is rumbling along as carriages do... and we’re not moving at all. We’re not moving at all, stuck in Retford in a bubble, trapped like a hamster on a four dimensional wheel, running and running and not moving anywhere. Either that or everywhere here looks the same.
Still very excited by the house story. Really, how many people get this opportunity? How many people get the chance to play Grand Designs? And it’s not that so much – it’s that we’re getting to do it without having to save up for years, without having had a “dream” that we’ve followed – finding the plot, saving, taking years and all that, it’s just fallen into our laps.
OK, it’s not that straightforward and I know that partly the reason that we’re in this position is bravery. I always say to the students at college that the most important thing for any of them to say is “Yes”. Any opportunity that comes along, say “Yes”. A chance, an option, a door... say “Yes”. As someone else once said, “I didn’t get where I am today but not saying Yes”. Gill and I both have that thing of saying Yes at the important time. If there’s a big decision to be made, we both say Yes and take it on. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it kicks you out the park.
Sometimes we end up with mad debts and sometimes we end up with mad opportunities. It cuts both ways, but it adds up to an interesting whole.
This is becoming problematic. I’ve got The Book Chapter to write, the WAP project to do and the MRes to start. Oh, and there’s the Dubai conference paper. And every time i think of a subject and start reading about it, i find that someone else has already done it.
I was going to do something on Beckham and celebrity – but that’s been done. This is actually a problem because I’ve already sold the idea to both Cambridge and to Dubai and I can’t get out of it for either. I did day that I’m going to do that for the WAP, but nothing is signed sealed or delivered so I can delay that. On the one hand it’s a mare, on the other hand... if I can think of a solution, I can do the same piece all over the place. Just a question of finding a solution.
For the MRes I was going to do a study of Cool, what it was, what it wasn’t, how we define it etc. But hey and ho, someone has already done it.
Beckham
PR
Survival
Acceptance
Royalty
Celebrity
Advertising
Branding
Privacy
Cool
Marketing
Icon
Symbol
Super Injunctions
Accessible
The hero
Mystique
Am I any nearer? Am I hell.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Post 3 - 22 Jan
This is quite interesting. The plastercast is like a wall that's between us in bed. I can't get near her, she can't get near me.
I wonder by whose design?
I wonder by whose design?
Post 2 - 22 Jan
After a long walk in the woods….
Maybe one of the reasons I subconsciously got a bit upset this morning was because it seemed to me
We had a night morning away from the children, a night/morning to ourselves and what happened? As soon as we woke up, it was arrangements and instructions. There was no passion, no physical warmth, no anything warmth. I’m not talking about sex here – I do understand about heavy periods and broken wrists.
And most of the time you sound like you’re talking to a junior partner. “Right, you do this, I’ll do that. Tell me when you’re done. We’ll rendez-vous at 14hundred hours”.
I used to disagree a lot more than I do now, mostly now I don’t say anything. (Which probably comes across as sulking or being in a mood – both of which are horrible and both of which I apologise for).
But it upsets me more than I can ever say that in a situation like this morning there was no floppiness, no messing around, no loose warmth.
And so to sex. Of course and so to sex. First to say, it’s not just about sex, it’s about physical contact. I find myself in a 15 year marriage and who is the (adult) person who kisses me the most? Rob. Who is the (adult) person I kiss the most? Rob again.
There has to be more to a physical relationship than simply sex.
I cannot forget what you’ve said about our sex in the past
“It’s never been any good. Nice enough but never any good”
”As soon as we got together I realised that the sex didn’t work. But I thought that the rest of the package was good enough to compensate”
“I’ve had good sex in the past with other people and so I know what what we’ve got isn’t it but I always knew that”
Well, quite a few years ago when our sex rate dropped off to somewhere near it’s current ‘once every few months’ rate I too thought that “the partnership” was good enough to compensate. Now I’m not so sure.
Yes, when we get on we get on. But we don’t have the laughs we used to, we don’t have a lightness of touch when we’re together that we used to. Functionally I’m not sure that it’s working either. Financially it seriously doesn’t work. In terms of what we want from the future, we seem to be looking at different things too. (You want this rural idyll; I want a more urban setting).
Where all this leaves us... I'm not sure. Maybe that's why I started writing it down.
Maybe one of the reasons I subconsciously got a bit upset this morning was because it seemed to me
We had a night morning away from the children, a night/morning to ourselves and what happened? As soon as we woke up, it was arrangements and instructions. There was no passion, no physical warmth, no anything warmth. I’m not talking about sex here – I do understand about heavy periods and broken wrists.
And most of the time you sound like you’re talking to a junior partner. “Right, you do this, I’ll do that. Tell me when you’re done. We’ll rendez-vous at 14hundred hours”.
I used to disagree a lot more than I do now, mostly now I don’t say anything. (Which probably comes across as sulking or being in a mood – both of which are horrible and both of which I apologise for).
But it upsets me more than I can ever say that in a situation like this morning there was no floppiness, no messing around, no loose warmth.
And so to sex. Of course and so to sex. First to say, it’s not just about sex, it’s about physical contact. I find myself in a 15 year marriage and who is the (adult) person who kisses me the most? Rob. Who is the (adult) person I kiss the most? Rob again.
There has to be more to a physical relationship than simply sex.
I cannot forget what you’ve said about our sex in the past
“It’s never been any good. Nice enough but never any good”
”As soon as we got together I realised that the sex didn’t work. But I thought that the rest of the package was good enough to compensate”
“I’ve had good sex in the past with other people and so I know what what we’ve got isn’t it but I always knew that”
Well, quite a few years ago when our sex rate dropped off to somewhere near it’s current ‘once every few months’ rate I too thought that “the partnership” was good enough to compensate. Now I’m not so sure.
Yes, when we get on we get on. But we don’t have the laughs we used to, we don’t have a lightness of touch when we’re together that we used to. Functionally I’m not sure that it’s working either. Financially it seriously doesn’t work. In terms of what we want from the future, we seem to be looking at different things too. (You want this rural idyll; I want a more urban setting).
Where all this leaves us... I'm not sure. Maybe that's why I started writing it down.
Post 1 - 17 Jan
I think that the issue for me is that I feel trapped. I’m doing what I’m doing and will be forever more.
I have, by any measure, the rubbish end of the stick and it’s not ever going to change.
When we got together I had hoped that we’d share the earning, that the burden of providing would be somehow equalised. That’s part of the reason why I left the newspaper game, so that we could share more. But as it turns out, that never happened – and now it’s clear that it never will.
So I have to go to work every day – just like I did in the newspaper game except that I don’t earn as much as I used to – and you get to do the interesting stuff. In the old days, it was following your muse with Juicy, these days it’s academic papers with a side order of laying down the foundations for your future desired work ie, the writer’s retreats. Meanwhile I’m going out to work. Still.
And the other reason for giving up the newspaper game, the business of being at home? Well, I’m still out to work, you’re still here with the kids.
I know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, but all the same… when’s it my turn? Answer: it won’t ever be.
It just seems to me that this is it. I’m just working to make other people happy.
Am I jealous of you? Yes, of course.
Am I hurt by simple small things like the girls wanting to go to your Dome ceremony and not even being aware I had one? Yes, of course
Am I jealous that you’ve got the time and space to go to NZ while I’m filing papers, juggling our rubbish finances, keeping debts at bay and trying to keep the boat afloat? Yes, of course.
Do I care that they think you’re a writer and that dad’s the one to go to for money or to buy something or to order something on Ebay or to get a phone repaired? Yes, of course.
Do I get pissed off that every morning I spend 30 minutes tidying and cleaning the debris from the night before or unloading the dishwasher while everyone else “gets ready”? Yes.
Work is a grind the like of which you’ve no idea about. You have a go at me for not doing the MRes now but you’ve no idea what my work is like. You work one day a week. You say to me “I can’t take the dogs out because I’ve got three hours of marking to do”. I work full time, I’m module leader for five modules – this time next year that will be six because I’ve got to write a new year-long module before next year. Any idea how much marking I’ve got to do?
So I’m doing all this and we’re skint and I’m thinking about the summer and we’ve got no money for a holiday and my computer is almost completely knackered now and unless the house is valued at £630 – which, frankly, is unlikely it’s not going to change.
Meanwhile, our love life is about as vibrant as Pompeii on a quiet night.
So while I really do know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, it’s not making me happy and it’s not what I thought I signed up for.
But at the same time I know that unless my ship comes in… this is it.
I have, by any measure, the rubbish end of the stick and it’s not ever going to change.
When we got together I had hoped that we’d share the earning, that the burden of providing would be somehow equalised. That’s part of the reason why I left the newspaper game, so that we could share more. But as it turns out, that never happened – and now it’s clear that it never will.
So I have to go to work every day – just like I did in the newspaper game except that I don’t earn as much as I used to – and you get to do the interesting stuff. In the old days, it was following your muse with Juicy, these days it’s academic papers with a side order of laying down the foundations for your future desired work ie, the writer’s retreats. Meanwhile I’m going out to work. Still.
And the other reason for giving up the newspaper game, the business of being at home? Well, I’m still out to work, you’re still here with the kids.
I know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, but all the same… when’s it my turn? Answer: it won’t ever be.
It just seems to me that this is it. I’m just working to make other people happy.
Am I jealous of you? Yes, of course.
Am I hurt by simple small things like the girls wanting to go to your Dome ceremony and not even being aware I had one? Yes, of course
Am I jealous that you’ve got the time and space to go to NZ while I’m filing papers, juggling our rubbish finances, keeping debts at bay and trying to keep the boat afloat? Yes, of course.
Do I care that they think you’re a writer and that dad’s the one to go to for money or to buy something or to order something on Ebay or to get a phone repaired? Yes, of course.
Do I get pissed off that every morning I spend 30 minutes tidying and cleaning the debris from the night before or unloading the dishwasher while everyone else “gets ready”? Yes.
Work is a grind the like of which you’ve no idea about. You have a go at me for not doing the MRes now but you’ve no idea what my work is like. You work one day a week. You say to me “I can’t take the dogs out because I’ve got three hours of marking to do”. I work full time, I’m module leader for five modules – this time next year that will be six because I’ve got to write a new year-long module before next year. Any idea how much marking I’ve got to do?
So I’m doing all this and we’re skint and I’m thinking about the summer and we’ve got no money for a holiday and my computer is almost completely knackered now and unless the house is valued at £630 – which, frankly, is unlikely it’s not going to change.
Meanwhile, our love life is about as vibrant as Pompeii on a quiet night.
So while I really do know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, it’s not making me happy and it’s not what I thought I signed up for.
But at the same time I know that unless my ship comes in… this is it.
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