It 4am and I can’t sleep. Nowhere near it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading Keith Richard’s book and he’s always banging on about how he does sleep cos there are more interesting things to do. Maybe it’s because I had a massage late-ish last night and that energised my body. But most likely it’s because I’m wound up tighter than one of Keith’s guitar strings. What I’m actually doing is this. I’m writing this because if I don’t I’m in danger of writing an “I quit” letter to work. Basically I’ve been stitched up good and proper and, as Peter Finch said in Network, I’m mad as hell and won’t take it anymore. The new workloads have been given out and I’ve got far more than anyone else. I’ve been given a whole new year long module to do by myself. No one else has been given anything like that. I know I’ve been given that because a) they think “Jed’s nice, we can” and b) I get no support from the course leader. (Simon got half a one-semester module; Rob got nothing - extra tutorial time but has lost a semester one module). I’ve written to Marc Keech a number of times about it and he’s not having any of it. “I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s the way it is”. If I want to do anything I have to make an official complaint. What a way to start the year. Really, I’ve just had enough. I know you feel the grief from college, but I’ve just had enough.
It’s curious because the day started so nicely. Lovely Annie the astrology woman came to see me and apparently all’s sunny in the garden. There was loads of stuff about Pluto being in my sun – a good thing – but in short, it’s all good. A year of change of transformation. Saturn is well aspected – there’s are no real difficulties. Mars is in Taurus – Mars is about energy, Taurus is about the land. Wonder what that could refer to. Jupiter is also in Taurus – new opportunities, new growth. Apparently I’ve got a “Grand Trine” (think that’s how you spell it) which means I’m “lovely and fiery”. Moon is in Aries, Venus is in Leo, Saturn is in Sagittarius.
I’ve got words written down like very creative, exuberant, inspirational, feel very comfortable with women, core stability I can’t do standing still, I can’t plateau out. I’m very open minded, open to new things. But Peak Time is coming up. Jupiter is also in Taurus which means new opportunities, new growth. Two important years are coming up. By this time in two years time – Sept 2013 – things will look very different. We’ve got to think big, set high targets. The last word I’ve got written down is ‘flourishing’.
Seems such a contrast to how I feel. Actually I feel very odd, like I’m speeding or something. No idea. No doubt they’ll say “Ah, that’s the effects of the detox. It’s all the toxins leaving your body”. But then again, if it’s raining they say that. And if it’s sunny they say that.
“I’m going to the shops”
“Ah, that’s the effects of the detox. It’s all the toxins leaving your body”.
What else? It’s been an interesting week in an uninteresting way. I’ve not been hugely purposeful, not been doing anything. Not writing or working or anything (for which I miss no opportunity to berate myself). The first few days I felt rubbish. Really bad headaches – coffee withdrawal, apparently. Then there were a couple of days where I literally had no energy. Not surprising I guess. No fuel in the tank. Different people here have reacted in different ways at different times. But everyone seems to have gone through the down cycle, not everyone has had the up. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the place is full of people right now pacing up and down their kitchens.
On the (really) positive side, Poppy has been an angel. Captivated everyone. She just hangs around kinda like she does in the garden, waiting for someone to come along. Shows them her bally, hangs around a bit more. Very sweet. Someone comes along, she rolls on her back, still wagging her tail. Never wanders off, just hangs around. Never have to worry where she is or what she’s doing.
But it’s been too long. Miss you all too much. Love you all very much.
Anyway, I’m off to see Keith now. XXXXX
Sunday, 23 October 2011
LETTER TO ELLIE 7.10.11
You’ll hate me for saying this, but’s entirely natural for people in their mid-teens to be confused, to be in a bit of turmoil. You are starting to experience adult things but you’re probably still responding like a non-adult.
There are all sorts of pressures on you that I remember – growing up, sexuality, independence, changing friendships (cos you’re all changing at different rates). On top of that there are pressures that I didn’t have. Peolpe are talking to you about the future, about grades, about university. I did my A levels cos I fancied doing them. At your age I didn’t know to spell university. But you’ve started looking round them. You’ve got a CV, people talk to you about the future, about “gap years”. I had – people of my age – had none of that. Gap Years? When I was 16? No one I knew did any of that. It simply wasn’t on the agenda.
The world was a very different place then. There was an innocence to our lives that you don’t have – and I’m not talking about puffing a bit of this or that on the Downs. Of course, people have always done that – though in fairness I never asked my parents to buy me some white wine. Bless them, they probably wouldn’t have known where to buy it.
In short, I’m saying that I know it’s not easy.
I can’t believe the way we are makes you happy. I know it doesn’t make me happy.
Watching those videos the other night was an interesting experience. Everyone was so different and the way we were with each other was so different. I really don’t mean that in the sense of just me and you. Everyone was different. Yes, we were all younger and yes, we had different strains and stresses, but it just seems to me that there’s a lot about those old days that was good, and a lot that we’ve lost. For me anyway, it would be nice to try and get some of that back.
It seems to me that communication between us is at a bit of a low. We’re not really talking very well. It would have been nice to have had a chat around the dinner table last night about those videos etc but that didn’t happen. You flew into a rage, saying that you had exams in January and etc etc and that you could sit and talk to us and didn’t we understand how stressed you were by your exams and and and…And then you went into the lounge to watch and 450 year old episode of Friends.
It seems to me that you just didn’t want to be there. And when you are there, there’s little trust or warmth.
Somewhere along the line – somewhere between then and now – you completely closed down. You closed down to us. I don’t know what happened. I’m not even sure when it happened.
Maybe it happened when you sorted yourself around about Year 8/9. You changed quite a bit during those years, became a different person. Maybe it happened when we moved out of Brighton and into the countryside. Maybe your anger at that move grew from something small and resentful to some big and very resentful. Maybe it changed when you changed the spelling of your name. (I’m serious – different names have different personalities).
I don’t expect you to be as free and open now as you were as a seven year old (though God knows for a seven year old you were very closed). I don’t want to know about your life in detail and I don’t want to know what you get up to at the various places you go. I don’t want to be ‘mates’ or be some sort of ‘cool dad’ or anything like that. But it would be nice to have some dialogue, to have some conversation.
What do I mean? Once upon a time you sang songs that came from you. Once upon a time you danced in the kitchen. Now you freak out if you think that I’ve sneaked a glimpse of a photo of you out. Now you wouldn’t even show us a photo from your Prom. You want to keep us out of your life to an almost pathological degree.
Really, it seems to me that the only times that you speak to me is to ask for a lift or ask for money. If we don’t sort out this relationship of ours, it will only get worse and there’ll be a day – one day in the future – when we look back with regret. But by then it will be too late. Trust me – I’m speaking from experience here.
Sometimes I think that the way you are is some kind of celestial revenge for the way I was to my mother. But what I do know is that I’ve got to deal with it better than she did. And so far, I’m not really doing well.
I don’t know why you are so… distrustful of your parents, why you are so intent on wanting to keep us out. I can’t think that we’ve ever really embarrassed you in public or let you down. I can’t think that we’re that disappointing.
Let’s take a really obvious example. Let’s look at the space outside your room.
The space outside your room is a statement. Clearly it’s a form of communication. Mum and I have constantly banged on about “tidy your room” and all that and your response? The space outside your room. Interestingly, the mess is not in your room, but in the hall where we can see it, where we have to look at it every day.
Possible it’s a statement that says “I hate it here. This isn’t my place and it means nothing to me” – but possibly it’s something more.
I was talking to mum this morning and, like someone who’s just started studying philosophy, she said that you had things that you wanted to talk about but either didn’t know how to or couldn’t find a way to.
Let’s try a few things:
1) Let’s have a ban on swearing. It’s not good for anyone. I know I’m guilty and I hereby promise to stop. And I want you to stop, too. We’ve got to try to find a way of being kinder to each other, and I think that this might be a start.
2) Time management. Because of where we live, because of the transportation issues that arise from where we live, we need to be really organised with our time management.
3) Your time management is up to you to manage. Really – you’re old enough now and you should be on top of this. Planning is everything.
4) As far as I understand it, you need to be in early every day except Tuesday. I will take you into Lewes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday will probably be a lift just to Ringmer. (I’ll have to clear this with mum, but I think that will work).
5) Getting to work on Friday will always be a problem as mum and I both work all day. You will either have to come straight back after college or arrange to get to work a bit later. (I’m sure Tess won’t mind as long as she knows beforehand). You’ll have to work it out though because this will be the case every Friday.
6) I will give you a print-out of my calendar so you can see – as best as I know – what I’m up to so you can think about lifts etc.
Anyway – enough. Got work to do. Let’s move on, move forward – and try to remember that we’re all on the same side.
There are all sorts of pressures on you that I remember – growing up, sexuality, independence, changing friendships (cos you’re all changing at different rates). On top of that there are pressures that I didn’t have. Peolpe are talking to you about the future, about grades, about university. I did my A levels cos I fancied doing them. At your age I didn’t know to spell university. But you’ve started looking round them. You’ve got a CV, people talk to you about the future, about “gap years”. I had – people of my age – had none of that. Gap Years? When I was 16? No one I knew did any of that. It simply wasn’t on the agenda.
The world was a very different place then. There was an innocence to our lives that you don’t have – and I’m not talking about puffing a bit of this or that on the Downs. Of course, people have always done that – though in fairness I never asked my parents to buy me some white wine. Bless them, they probably wouldn’t have known where to buy it.
In short, I’m saying that I know it’s not easy.
I can’t believe the way we are makes you happy. I know it doesn’t make me happy.
Watching those videos the other night was an interesting experience. Everyone was so different and the way we were with each other was so different. I really don’t mean that in the sense of just me and you. Everyone was different. Yes, we were all younger and yes, we had different strains and stresses, but it just seems to me that there’s a lot about those old days that was good, and a lot that we’ve lost. For me anyway, it would be nice to try and get some of that back.
It seems to me that communication between us is at a bit of a low. We’re not really talking very well. It would have been nice to have had a chat around the dinner table last night about those videos etc but that didn’t happen. You flew into a rage, saying that you had exams in January and etc etc and that you could sit and talk to us and didn’t we understand how stressed you were by your exams and and and…And then you went into the lounge to watch and 450 year old episode of Friends.
It seems to me that you just didn’t want to be there. And when you are there, there’s little trust or warmth.
Somewhere along the line – somewhere between then and now – you completely closed down. You closed down to us. I don’t know what happened. I’m not even sure when it happened.
Maybe it happened when you sorted yourself around about Year 8/9. You changed quite a bit during those years, became a different person. Maybe it happened when we moved out of Brighton and into the countryside. Maybe your anger at that move grew from something small and resentful to some big and very resentful. Maybe it changed when you changed the spelling of your name. (I’m serious – different names have different personalities).
I don’t expect you to be as free and open now as you were as a seven year old (though God knows for a seven year old you were very closed). I don’t want to know about your life in detail and I don’t want to know what you get up to at the various places you go. I don’t want to be ‘mates’ or be some sort of ‘cool dad’ or anything like that. But it would be nice to have some dialogue, to have some conversation.
What do I mean? Once upon a time you sang songs that came from you. Once upon a time you danced in the kitchen. Now you freak out if you think that I’ve sneaked a glimpse of a photo of you out. Now you wouldn’t even show us a photo from your Prom. You want to keep us out of your life to an almost pathological degree.
Really, it seems to me that the only times that you speak to me is to ask for a lift or ask for money. If we don’t sort out this relationship of ours, it will only get worse and there’ll be a day – one day in the future – when we look back with regret. But by then it will be too late. Trust me – I’m speaking from experience here.
Sometimes I think that the way you are is some kind of celestial revenge for the way I was to my mother. But what I do know is that I’ve got to deal with it better than she did. And so far, I’m not really doing well.
I don’t know why you are so… distrustful of your parents, why you are so intent on wanting to keep us out. I can’t think that we’ve ever really embarrassed you in public or let you down. I can’t think that we’re that disappointing.
Let’s take a really obvious example. Let’s look at the space outside your room.
The space outside your room is a statement. Clearly it’s a form of communication. Mum and I have constantly banged on about “tidy your room” and all that and your response? The space outside your room. Interestingly, the mess is not in your room, but in the hall where we can see it, where we have to look at it every day.
Possible it’s a statement that says “I hate it here. This isn’t my place and it means nothing to me” – but possibly it’s something more.
I was talking to mum this morning and, like someone who’s just started studying philosophy, she said that you had things that you wanted to talk about but either didn’t know how to or couldn’t find a way to.
Let’s try a few things:
1) Let’s have a ban on swearing. It’s not good for anyone. I know I’m guilty and I hereby promise to stop. And I want you to stop, too. We’ve got to try to find a way of being kinder to each other, and I think that this might be a start.
2) Time management. Because of where we live, because of the transportation issues that arise from where we live, we need to be really organised with our time management.
3) Your time management is up to you to manage. Really – you’re old enough now and you should be on top of this. Planning is everything.
4) As far as I understand it, you need to be in early every day except Tuesday. I will take you into Lewes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday will probably be a lift just to Ringmer. (I’ll have to clear this with mum, but I think that will work).
5) Getting to work on Friday will always be a problem as mum and I both work all day. You will either have to come straight back after college or arrange to get to work a bit later. (I’m sure Tess won’t mind as long as she knows beforehand). You’ll have to work it out though because this will be the case every Friday.
6) I will give you a print-out of my calendar so you can see – as best as I know – what I’m up to so you can think about lifts etc.
Anyway – enough. Got work to do. Let’s move on, move forward – and try to remember that we’re all on the same side.
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