This is quite interesting. The plastercast is like a wall that's between us in bed. I can't get near her, she can't get near me.
I wonder by whose design?
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Post 2 - 22 Jan
After a long walk in the woods….
Maybe one of the reasons I subconsciously got a bit upset this morning was because it seemed to me
We had a night morning away from the children, a night/morning to ourselves and what happened? As soon as we woke up, it was arrangements and instructions. There was no passion, no physical warmth, no anything warmth. I’m not talking about sex here – I do understand about heavy periods and broken wrists.
And most of the time you sound like you’re talking to a junior partner. “Right, you do this, I’ll do that. Tell me when you’re done. We’ll rendez-vous at 14hundred hours”.
I used to disagree a lot more than I do now, mostly now I don’t say anything. (Which probably comes across as sulking or being in a mood – both of which are horrible and both of which I apologise for).
But it upsets me more than I can ever say that in a situation like this morning there was no floppiness, no messing around, no loose warmth.
And so to sex. Of course and so to sex. First to say, it’s not just about sex, it’s about physical contact. I find myself in a 15 year marriage and who is the (adult) person who kisses me the most? Rob. Who is the (adult) person I kiss the most? Rob again.
There has to be more to a physical relationship than simply sex.
I cannot forget what you’ve said about our sex in the past
“It’s never been any good. Nice enough but never any good”
”As soon as we got together I realised that the sex didn’t work. But I thought that the rest of the package was good enough to compensate”
“I’ve had good sex in the past with other people and so I know what what we’ve got isn’t it but I always knew that”
Well, quite a few years ago when our sex rate dropped off to somewhere near it’s current ‘once every few months’ rate I too thought that “the partnership” was good enough to compensate. Now I’m not so sure.
Yes, when we get on we get on. But we don’t have the laughs we used to, we don’t have a lightness of touch when we’re together that we used to. Functionally I’m not sure that it’s working either. Financially it seriously doesn’t work. In terms of what we want from the future, we seem to be looking at different things too. (You want this rural idyll; I want a more urban setting).
Where all this leaves us... I'm not sure. Maybe that's why I started writing it down.
Maybe one of the reasons I subconsciously got a bit upset this morning was because it seemed to me
We had a night morning away from the children, a night/morning to ourselves and what happened? As soon as we woke up, it was arrangements and instructions. There was no passion, no physical warmth, no anything warmth. I’m not talking about sex here – I do understand about heavy periods and broken wrists.
And most of the time you sound like you’re talking to a junior partner. “Right, you do this, I’ll do that. Tell me when you’re done. We’ll rendez-vous at 14hundred hours”.
I used to disagree a lot more than I do now, mostly now I don’t say anything. (Which probably comes across as sulking or being in a mood – both of which are horrible and both of which I apologise for).
But it upsets me more than I can ever say that in a situation like this morning there was no floppiness, no messing around, no loose warmth.
And so to sex. Of course and so to sex. First to say, it’s not just about sex, it’s about physical contact. I find myself in a 15 year marriage and who is the (adult) person who kisses me the most? Rob. Who is the (adult) person I kiss the most? Rob again.
There has to be more to a physical relationship than simply sex.
I cannot forget what you’ve said about our sex in the past
“It’s never been any good. Nice enough but never any good”
”As soon as we got together I realised that the sex didn’t work. But I thought that the rest of the package was good enough to compensate”
“I’ve had good sex in the past with other people and so I know what what we’ve got isn’t it but I always knew that”
Well, quite a few years ago when our sex rate dropped off to somewhere near it’s current ‘once every few months’ rate I too thought that “the partnership” was good enough to compensate. Now I’m not so sure.
Yes, when we get on we get on. But we don’t have the laughs we used to, we don’t have a lightness of touch when we’re together that we used to. Functionally I’m not sure that it’s working either. Financially it seriously doesn’t work. In terms of what we want from the future, we seem to be looking at different things too. (You want this rural idyll; I want a more urban setting).
Where all this leaves us... I'm not sure. Maybe that's why I started writing it down.
Post 1 - 17 Jan
I think that the issue for me is that I feel trapped. I’m doing what I’m doing and will be forever more.
I have, by any measure, the rubbish end of the stick and it’s not ever going to change.
When we got together I had hoped that we’d share the earning, that the burden of providing would be somehow equalised. That’s part of the reason why I left the newspaper game, so that we could share more. But as it turns out, that never happened – and now it’s clear that it never will.
So I have to go to work every day – just like I did in the newspaper game except that I don’t earn as much as I used to – and you get to do the interesting stuff. In the old days, it was following your muse with Juicy, these days it’s academic papers with a side order of laying down the foundations for your future desired work ie, the writer’s retreats. Meanwhile I’m going out to work. Still.
And the other reason for giving up the newspaper game, the business of being at home? Well, I’m still out to work, you’re still here with the kids.
I know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, but all the same… when’s it my turn? Answer: it won’t ever be.
It just seems to me that this is it. I’m just working to make other people happy.
Am I jealous of you? Yes, of course.
Am I hurt by simple small things like the girls wanting to go to your Dome ceremony and not even being aware I had one? Yes, of course
Am I jealous that you’ve got the time and space to go to NZ while I’m filing papers, juggling our rubbish finances, keeping debts at bay and trying to keep the boat afloat? Yes, of course.
Do I care that they think you’re a writer and that dad’s the one to go to for money or to buy something or to order something on Ebay or to get a phone repaired? Yes, of course.
Do I get pissed off that every morning I spend 30 minutes tidying and cleaning the debris from the night before or unloading the dishwasher while everyone else “gets ready”? Yes.
Work is a grind the like of which you’ve no idea about. You have a go at me for not doing the MRes now but you’ve no idea what my work is like. You work one day a week. You say to me “I can’t take the dogs out because I’ve got three hours of marking to do”. I work full time, I’m module leader for five modules – this time next year that will be six because I’ve got to write a new year-long module before next year. Any idea how much marking I’ve got to do?
So I’m doing all this and we’re skint and I’m thinking about the summer and we’ve got no money for a holiday and my computer is almost completely knackered now and unless the house is valued at £630 – which, frankly, is unlikely it’s not going to change.
Meanwhile, our love life is about as vibrant as Pompeii on a quiet night.
So while I really do know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, it’s not making me happy and it’s not what I thought I signed up for.
But at the same time I know that unless my ship comes in… this is it.
I have, by any measure, the rubbish end of the stick and it’s not ever going to change.
When we got together I had hoped that we’d share the earning, that the burden of providing would be somehow equalised. That’s part of the reason why I left the newspaper game, so that we could share more. But as it turns out, that never happened – and now it’s clear that it never will.
So I have to go to work every day – just like I did in the newspaper game except that I don’t earn as much as I used to – and you get to do the interesting stuff. In the old days, it was following your muse with Juicy, these days it’s academic papers with a side order of laying down the foundations for your future desired work ie, the writer’s retreats. Meanwhile I’m going out to work. Still.
And the other reason for giving up the newspaper game, the business of being at home? Well, I’m still out to work, you’re still here with the kids.
I know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, but all the same… when’s it my turn? Answer: it won’t ever be.
It just seems to me that this is it. I’m just working to make other people happy.
Am I jealous of you? Yes, of course.
Am I hurt by simple small things like the girls wanting to go to your Dome ceremony and not even being aware I had one? Yes, of course
Am I jealous that you’ve got the time and space to go to NZ while I’m filing papers, juggling our rubbish finances, keeping debts at bay and trying to keep the boat afloat? Yes, of course.
Do I care that they think you’re a writer and that dad’s the one to go to for money or to buy something or to order something on Ebay or to get a phone repaired? Yes, of course.
Do I get pissed off that every morning I spend 30 minutes tidying and cleaning the debris from the night before or unloading the dishwasher while everyone else “gets ready”? Yes.
Work is a grind the like of which you’ve no idea about. You have a go at me for not doing the MRes now but you’ve no idea what my work is like. You work one day a week. You say to me “I can’t take the dogs out because I’ve got three hours of marking to do”. I work full time, I’m module leader for five modules – this time next year that will be six because I’ve got to write a new year-long module before next year. Any idea how much marking I’ve got to do?
So I’m doing all this and we’re skint and I’m thinking about the summer and we’ve got no money for a holiday and my computer is almost completely knackered now and unless the house is valued at £630 – which, frankly, is unlikely it’s not going to change.
Meanwhile, our love life is about as vibrant as Pompeii on a quiet night.
So while I really do know it’s not cockle picking or going down a mine, really I do, it’s not making me happy and it’s not what I thought I signed up for.
But at the same time I know that unless my ship comes in… this is it.
2011
So this is the thing. I've got a feeling that 2011 is going to be one of those years. I'm not going to get all Mayan calendar on you, nothing that serious, but it's just that... in my life, in my family this is going to be a big year.
A word of warning though. Mostly I'll be inspired to write when I'm angry or frustrated. When things are going well... I probably won't bother.
Anyway
A word of warning though. Mostly I'll be inspired to write when I'm angry or frustrated. When things are going well... I probably won't bother.
Anyway
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